i just got home from a goth rock night at z. i rather enjoyed the music and dancing to it, and there wasn't too much people. the dance floor also had two mirrored walls facing each other which made it also fun to dance. i'm such a retard, i thought the bus that goes to my building ran to 2am but the last one is at 1am. i've probably made this mistake about 3 times... and i left earlier to catch that. so i waited for about 30mins before i went to check the times, so i ended up having to take a cab anyways. which means i could have stayed at the club longer and had more fun.

but it doesn't matter, i'll just take the few extra hours to sleep as i have to get up around 5 or 6am to get ready for the week. i'm trying to push myself this semester as i did do a decent job last semester by not even really trying. though i'm very disappointed by my calc mark as i was expecting a B, but got a C+ which looks horrible among my B's and A's. But I got two A's and an A+ (by the prof being extremely nice in the grading). Nevertheless, 3 A's and a C+ is not bad for not consciously putting in an effort.

i'm going to try really hard to get a good mark in o.d.e to make up for the last three calculus classes that raped me. i don't know, i kind of lost my enjoyment in learning since i got to uni, but am steadily getting it back, and it's exciting!

i know, i'm such a nerd.

i just read something that of lot of which i could relate to and to what i'm focusing on looking forward now (just i wouldn't have been so blatant) but i feel like i've been cheated somehow, or rather exacerbated that pre-existing feeling. i feel like i've put a lot into something, rather for someone, and my efforts haven't been recognized. like i said before, i have no regrets about trying, but it seems a bit of a waste now, obviously. i wonder if i should've done more. but i'm really reluctant to push other people because i've had such a bad experience with my dad's version of being supportive. i don't want to end up being overbearing and nagging, or putting all my time and effort for something they don't want to take the opportunity to do (although i would put time and effort to give them the choice if i cared for them enough). i'm of the opinion that people have to realize their own potential and motivations, or ask me if they need help realizing so. at least it's definitely true for me. i'm not going to be persuaded into anything unless i have time to mull over it on my own. and i'm going to stick to my freedom of choice to take an opportunity on my own terms, and not just to please someone else. anyways, i don't think there was much i could do for this person if he didn't want it from me, even if a part of me really wanted to see him better off.

my days of recent have been up and down, but at least not a very bumpy roller coaster ride. i'm starting to remember to enjoy the simplicities of life again, which i miss. being absorbed in gaining pleasure from one certain source made me feel a little empty. the human experience is enthralling and a big reason of why i want to stay alive. limiting its range is never my intention, only except for as a short sacrifice. after all, it takes feeling sadness, disappointment, and inadequacy to understand content, satisfaction, and being adored. <3

Mainly I'm disgusted at myself. Disgusted that I let myself down. Disgusted that I compromised on something I had difficulty trying to get the opportunity in the first place and the reason I pursued this. It's not just recent events that make me feel morally filthy, but my over consuming, unproductive, disorganized lifestyle as well. You know I wish I had suck it up, accepted it, and moved on earlier, but that's usually the case when we look at things in retrospect. At least one thing I'm not disappointed about was trying and not leaving much to regret. Which is contradictory because if I was more assertive and uncompromising, then I would have felt I wasn't trying on my part. Well, I'm sure I'll accept this part of me soon enough and return to my selfish exploitative heathenism like I have many times before. But maybe this time, I'll take the hints less lightly and stick to my principles.

10 months

So, Alexzander and I are officially over, although one can argue it was over when he broke up with me about a month ago. I was just having issues accepting it. However, the lack of passion throughout the relationship finally got to me. It wasn't fair to either of us, and I mean I can only hold back so much before feeling like the typical over dependent person in the relationship. Anyways, tonight after about an hour of crying, the realization I had was, if he doesn't want me the way I didn't want Dave, then that's in his right. I definitely deserve someone who does want me and am not going to waste the short lifespan I have pining over someone who doesn't.

And on the bright side, I can finally dance with people who want to dance with me at clubs, lol.