Sorry I haven't been very active lately. I feel very different from the person who wrote most of these deviations. Although I'm not willing to delete them just because I'm getting help for many of the traits and situations that prompt me to write them, I feel I need to take a good long time to find a new writing style. And first it'll involve me reading some novels and pieces of authors I admire and gaining inspiration for writing again. But since I'm having a very busy year at uni with my free time to do that between splitting it up with hanging out with friends, visiting family, and being somewhat politically active, it's gonna be a while before I put pen to paper. I just feel totally blank in terms of creative writing. Also, I haven't been having as much feedback on my writings mainly because of the few tentative watchers I have, have moved on from dA or are taking time away from it as I have been. I'll need even more free time if I want to get involve in the dA community again and read other people's works and leave feedback, and hopefully get some feedback on mine. But life has definitely been exciting and I'm very grateful at how much it has improved. And how things I used to day dream about years ago are actually reality. I am just so puzzled at that. My expectations and reality rarely seem to match up completely, not in a bad way, but it has me questioning why I bother daydreaming about what I could be in the first place, when it's much more productive to slowly tinker away at myself with what I want to be in the near/immediate future. Life is quick, too quick sometimes. I'm struggling to get all I want done and out of it in time. It's tiring sometimes but it's the journey that counts right? Experiencing is fulfilling I find. I wish for everyone to have the freedoms to shape their world as much as I do and I wish for more freedoms! In particular from capitalist constructs that feed off our primal survival instincts. I want humanity to treat themesleves and their environment wisely, to meet their necessities, and pursue academic, artistic, technological limits. But we are so far away from just treating each other in the way we wish to be treated. We are so far away from putting our resources together and feeding/clothing/housing/educating millions of people properly. We are so far away from realizing how ridiculously possible it is to do so. I just find as a global society, we are just so inefficient and the frustration gets to me sometimes. But in the end, all I can strive for is to be able to say I tried, really tried and mean it, and do it without regretting too much.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Taken from a dA journal entry. I was just trying to leave a quick update about being busy but it end up being a little... bit longer than I expected.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
another breakthru to stick to
By now i've learned that if I want something/thought out of my head, best course of action is to write it down. Write out the pros and cons instead of having them mull over in my head.
Anyways, I have this tendency, desire to just abandon everything and start anonymously. That includes breaking of ties with friends and family. I only would really regret a few relationships when I think of this. The major reason I don't because, I doubt I could do this easily without a bunch of people questioning and telling me not to and keeping in contact with me, as well it's always hard to start somewhere new from scratch. And rightly so people should stop me, it's kind of an insane thing to do. But the irrational desire is there. My compromise is to move to another city once I get my bachelor's degree no matter where I am in my life. I feel like if I don't do something drastic while I have the stamina too, I'll be stuck in the same area for the rest of my life.
Second, I'm still unconvinced that the state of being alive is anymore intrinsically more valuable than the state of not existing. In the grand scheme of the physical universe, I doubt the actions of an individual human is of any consequence (really the entire human species, but that may be suggesting something i don't mean). Not that value should be measured in how it effects the physical world, but it seems the standard is less subjective. Afterall the universe is not a human construct (ignoring the whole fake perception/experience arguement). Not that I really care about having a life that has great influence. I think it's more of congenital response. And now that I think of it as it being an emotional/mental uneasiness due to my biology and social constructs, it doesn't seem so awkward to hold certain ideas as more important. I've never actual set down principles and moral and goals to live by. Sure I have a few, but I'm often mutating them over time and circumstance under no real conditions. And I didn't really care to up to now, because I didn't see a point to. But as long as I'm stating that the human venture is worthwhile, I might as well categorize and define other abstract qualities of my life. This would be useful for assessing a given situation and in turn easier in making me more decisive, in particular with my relationships and success/failures. The only constraint I already follow and will continue to follow, is to not push any of my principles or morals on others and to put effort in understanding others before making judging them.
I hope I'm making some sense. A few conversations with a philosophy of science grad student, Alex, and reading about our lack for a concrete definition for time (really time? do you realize how much of our physical descriptions are based on some inherent but not clearly understood idea of time?) in Lee Smolin's The Trouble with Physics has gotten me interested at the philosophy of science and in turn has made me less intolerant of philosophy.
Anyways, I have this tendency, desire to just abandon everything and start anonymously. That includes breaking of ties with friends and family. I only would really regret a few relationships when I think of this. The major reason I don't because, I doubt I could do this easily without a bunch of people questioning and telling me not to and keeping in contact with me, as well it's always hard to start somewhere new from scratch. And rightly so people should stop me, it's kind of an insane thing to do. But the irrational desire is there. My compromise is to move to another city once I get my bachelor's degree no matter where I am in my life. I feel like if I don't do something drastic while I have the stamina too, I'll be stuck in the same area for the rest of my life.
Second, I'm still unconvinced that the state of being alive is anymore intrinsically more valuable than the state of not existing. In the grand scheme of the physical universe, I doubt the actions of an individual human is of any consequence (really the entire human species, but that may be suggesting something i don't mean). Not that value should be measured in how it effects the physical world, but it seems the standard is less subjective. Afterall the universe is not a human construct (ignoring the whole fake perception/experience arguement). Not that I really care about having a life that has great influence. I think it's more of congenital response. And now that I think of it as it being an emotional/mental uneasiness due to my biology and social constructs, it doesn't seem so awkward to hold certain ideas as more important. I've never actual set down principles and moral and goals to live by. Sure I have a few, but I'm often mutating them over time and circumstance under no real conditions. And I didn't really care to up to now, because I didn't see a point to. But as long as I'm stating that the human venture is worthwhile, I might as well categorize and define other abstract qualities of my life. This would be useful for assessing a given situation and in turn easier in making me more decisive, in particular with my relationships and success/failures. The only constraint I already follow and will continue to follow, is to not push any of my principles or morals on others and to put effort in understanding others before making judging them.
I hope I'm making some sense. A few conversations with a philosophy of science grad student, Alex, and reading about our lack for a concrete definition for time (really time? do you realize how much of our physical descriptions are based on some inherent but not clearly understood idea of time?) in Lee Smolin's The Trouble with Physics has gotten me interested at the philosophy of science and in turn has made me less intolerant of philosophy.
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