i just read something that of lot of which i could relate to and to what i'm focusing on looking forward now (just i wouldn't have been so blatant) but i feel like i've been cheated somehow, or rather exacerbated that pre-existing feeling. i feel like i've put a lot into something, rather for someone, and my efforts haven't been recognized. like i said before, i have no regrets about trying, but it seems a bit of a waste now, obviously. i wonder if i should've done more. but i'm really reluctant to push other people because i've had such a bad experience with my dad's version of being supportive. i don't want to end up being overbearing and nagging, or putting all my time and effort for something they don't want to take the opportunity to do (although i would put time and effort to give them the choice if i cared for them enough). i'm of the opinion that people have to realize their own potential and motivations, or ask me if they need help realizing so. at least it's definitely true for me. i'm not going to be persuaded into anything unless i have time to mull over it on my own. and i'm going to stick to my freedom of choice to take an opportunity on my own terms, and not just to please someone else. anyways, i don't think there was much i could do for this person if he didn't want it from me, even if a part of me really wanted to see him better off.

my days of recent have been up and down, but at least not a very bumpy roller coaster ride. i'm starting to remember to enjoy the simplicities of life again, which i miss. being absorbed in gaining pleasure from one certain source made me feel a little empty. the human experience is enthralling and a big reason of why i want to stay alive. limiting its range is never my intention, only except for as a short sacrifice. after all, it takes feeling sadness, disappointment, and inadequacy to understand content, satisfaction, and being adored. <3