another breakthru to stick to

By now i've learned that if I want something/thought out of my head, best course of action is to write it down. Write out the pros and cons instead of having them mull over in my head.

Anyways, I have this tendency, desire to just abandon everything and start anonymously. That includes breaking of ties with friends and family. I only would really regret a few relationships when I think of this. The major reason I don't because, I doubt I could do this easily without a bunch of people questioning and telling me not to and keeping in contact with me, as well it's always hard to start somewhere new from scratch. And rightly so people should stop me, it's kind of an insane thing to do. But the irrational desire is there. My compromise is to move to another city once I get my bachelor's degree no matter where I am in my life. I feel like if I don't do something drastic while I have the stamina too, I'll be stuck in the same area for the rest of my life.

Second, I'm still unconvinced that the state of being alive is anymore intrinsically more valuable than the state of not existing. In the grand scheme of the physical universe, I doubt the actions of an individual human is of any consequence (really the entire human species, but that may be suggesting something i don't mean). Not that value should be measured in how it effects the physical world, but it seems the standard is less subjective. Afterall the universe is not a human construct (ignoring the whole fake perception/experience arguement). Not that I really care about having a life that has great influence. I think it's more of congenital response. And now that I think of it as it being an emotional/mental uneasiness due to my biology and social constructs, it doesn't seem so awkward to hold certain ideas as more important. I've never actual set down principles and moral and goals to live by. Sure I have a few, but I'm often mutating them over time and circumstance under no real conditions. And I didn't really care to up to now, because I didn't see a point to. But as long as I'm stating that the human venture is worthwhile, I might as well categorize and define other abstract qualities of my life. This would be useful for assessing a given situation and in turn easier in making me more decisive, in particular with my relationships and success/failures. The only constraint I already follow and will continue to follow, is to not push any of my principles or morals on others and to put effort in understanding others before making judging them.

I hope I'm making some sense. A few conversations with a philosophy of science grad student, Alex, and reading about our lack for a concrete definition for time (really time? do you realize how much of our physical descriptions are based on some inherent but not clearly understood idea of time?) in Lee Smolin's The Trouble with Physics has gotten me interested at the philosophy of science and in turn has made me less intolerant of philosophy.