things to do for this weekend/week.

monday
- mechanics assignment
- mastering chemistry
- 2213 lab 7

tuesday
- work 11-2pm
- physics lab 8 finish lab work?
- biol 2040 lab

wednesday
- 2213 assignment
- chem lab

thursday
- appointment 5:50pm

friday
- mechanics test
- 2213 lab 8 due

next monday
- ode test

next tuesday
- biol 2040 test

i feel really alone.


i've been very stressed lately. have been trying to put everything together at the last minute. i haven't been doing well at all in any of my courses. i'm a c+ in all of them which is pathetic. i've been getting angry, frustrated, snappy, and irritable with everyone for the slightest of discomforts. i don't like being like that. i ended up responding into situations in ways i would regret.

i just feel like i have no one to depend on. at least my sister is able to help me out financially. but there's no one to go to let out my worries. there's no one i can ask i can rely on to get something done competently without my constant attention. and i hate that i don't have parents i can lean on. a family to go home to. there's nothing. there's not even a boyfriend. there's just friends that have all of that for me to be jealous of and can't fill that hole for me. i've tried not to be upset about living on my own. i tried not to have to even consider the possibility of moving out as a bad idea. but i don't care anymore. i'm just so useless.

***

i wanted to go to subspace this weekend for the longest time. i even got pieces for my outfit a month ago. and now i don't know. i have to model in the morning because i'm broke and need to do what i can to pay off bills. i was supposed to spend some time with brittany since february! and there's a new boy i've been seeing. but i don't want to stress myself anymore with cutting down time for me to get things done.

i just got home from a goth rock night at z. i rather enjoyed the music and dancing to it, and there wasn't too much people. the dance floor also had two mirrored walls facing each other which made it also fun to dance. i'm such a retard, i thought the bus that goes to my building ran to 2am but the last one is at 1am. i've probably made this mistake about 3 times... and i left earlier to catch that. so i waited for about 30mins before i went to check the times, so i ended up having to take a cab anyways. which means i could have stayed at the club longer and had more fun.

but it doesn't matter, i'll just take the few extra hours to sleep as i have to get up around 5 or 6am to get ready for the week. i'm trying to push myself this semester as i did do a decent job last semester by not even really trying. though i'm very disappointed by my calc mark as i was expecting a B, but got a C+ which looks horrible among my B's and A's. But I got two A's and an A+ (by the prof being extremely nice in the grading). Nevertheless, 3 A's and a C+ is not bad for not consciously putting in an effort.

i'm going to try really hard to get a good mark in o.d.e to make up for the last three calculus classes that raped me. i don't know, i kind of lost my enjoyment in learning since i got to uni, but am steadily getting it back, and it's exciting!

i know, i'm such a nerd.

i just read something that of lot of which i could relate to and to what i'm focusing on looking forward now (just i wouldn't have been so blatant) but i feel like i've been cheated somehow, or rather exacerbated that pre-existing feeling. i feel like i've put a lot into something, rather for someone, and my efforts haven't been recognized. like i said before, i have no regrets about trying, but it seems a bit of a waste now, obviously. i wonder if i should've done more. but i'm really reluctant to push other people because i've had such a bad experience with my dad's version of being supportive. i don't want to end up being overbearing and nagging, or putting all my time and effort for something they don't want to take the opportunity to do (although i would put time and effort to give them the choice if i cared for them enough). i'm of the opinion that people have to realize their own potential and motivations, or ask me if they need help realizing so. at least it's definitely true for me. i'm not going to be persuaded into anything unless i have time to mull over it on my own. and i'm going to stick to my freedom of choice to take an opportunity on my own terms, and not just to please someone else. anyways, i don't think there was much i could do for this person if he didn't want it from me, even if a part of me really wanted to see him better off.

my days of recent have been up and down, but at least not a very bumpy roller coaster ride. i'm starting to remember to enjoy the simplicities of life again, which i miss. being absorbed in gaining pleasure from one certain source made me feel a little empty. the human experience is enthralling and a big reason of why i want to stay alive. limiting its range is never my intention, only except for as a short sacrifice. after all, it takes feeling sadness, disappointment, and inadequacy to understand content, satisfaction, and being adored. <3

Mainly I'm disgusted at myself. Disgusted that I let myself down. Disgusted that I compromised on something I had difficulty trying to get the opportunity in the first place and the reason I pursued this. It's not just recent events that make me feel morally filthy, but my over consuming, unproductive, disorganized lifestyle as well. You know I wish I had suck it up, accepted it, and moved on earlier, but that's usually the case when we look at things in retrospect. At least one thing I'm not disappointed about was trying and not leaving much to regret. Which is contradictory because if I was more assertive and uncompromising, then I would have felt I wasn't trying on my part. Well, I'm sure I'll accept this part of me soon enough and return to my selfish exploitative heathenism like I have many times before. But maybe this time, I'll take the hints less lightly and stick to my principles.

10 months

So, Alexzander and I are officially over, although one can argue it was over when he broke up with me about a month ago. I was just having issues accepting it. However, the lack of passion throughout the relationship finally got to me. It wasn't fair to either of us, and I mean I can only hold back so much before feeling like the typical over dependent person in the relationship. Anyways, tonight after about an hour of crying, the realization I had was, if he doesn't want me the way I didn't want Dave, then that's in his right. I definitely deserve someone who does want me and am not going to waste the short lifespan I have pining over someone who doesn't.

And on the bright side, I can finally dance with people who want to dance with me at clubs, lol.

Taken from a dA journal entry. I was just trying to leave a quick update about being busy but it end up being a little... bit longer than I expected.

Sorry I haven't been very active lately. I feel very different from the person who wrote most of these deviations. Although I'm not willing to delete them just because I'm getting help for many of the traits and situations that prompt me to write them, I feel I need to take a good long time to find a new writing style. And first it'll involve me reading some novels and pieces of authors I admire and gaining inspiration for writing again. But since I'm having a very busy year at uni with my free time to do that between splitting it up with hanging out with friends, visiting family, and being somewhat politically active, it's gonna be a while before I put pen to paper. I just feel totally blank in terms of creative writing. Also, I haven't been having as much feedback on my writings mainly because of the few tentative watchers I have, have moved on from dA or are taking time away from it as I have been. I'll need even more free time if I want to get involve in the dA community again and read other people's works and leave feedback, and hopefully get some feedback on mine. But life has definitely been exciting and I'm very grateful at how much it has improved. And how things I used to day dream about years ago are actually reality. I am just so puzzled at that. My expectations and reality rarely seem to match up completely, not in a bad way, but it has me questioning why I bother daydreaming about what I could be in the first place, when it's much more productive to slowly tinker away at myself with what I want to be in the near/immediate future. Life is quick, too quick sometimes. I'm struggling to get all I want done and out of it in time. It's tiring sometimes but it's the journey that counts right? Experiencing is fulfilling I find. I wish for everyone to have the freedoms to shape their world as much as I do and I wish for more freedoms! In particular from capitalist constructs that feed off our primal survival instincts. I want humanity to treat themesleves and their environment wisely, to meet their necessities, and pursue academic, artistic, technological limits. But we are so far away from just treating each other in the way we wish to be treated. We are so far away from putting our resources together and feeding/clothing/housing/educating millions of people properly. We are so far away from realizing how ridiculously possible it is to do so. I just find as a global society, we are just so inefficient and the frustration gets to me sometimes. But in the end, all I can strive for is to be able to say I tried, really tried and mean it, and do it without regretting too much.

another breakthru to stick to

By now i've learned that if I want something/thought out of my head, best course of action is to write it down. Write out the pros and cons instead of having them mull over in my head.

Anyways, I have this tendency, desire to just abandon everything and start anonymously. That includes breaking of ties with friends and family. I only would really regret a few relationships when I think of this. The major reason I don't because, I doubt I could do this easily without a bunch of people questioning and telling me not to and keeping in contact with me, as well it's always hard to start somewhere new from scratch. And rightly so people should stop me, it's kind of an insane thing to do. But the irrational desire is there. My compromise is to move to another city once I get my bachelor's degree no matter where I am in my life. I feel like if I don't do something drastic while I have the stamina too, I'll be stuck in the same area for the rest of my life.

Second, I'm still unconvinced that the state of being alive is anymore intrinsically more valuable than the state of not existing. In the grand scheme of the physical universe, I doubt the actions of an individual human is of any consequence (really the entire human species, but that may be suggesting something i don't mean). Not that value should be measured in how it effects the physical world, but it seems the standard is less subjective. Afterall the universe is not a human construct (ignoring the whole fake perception/experience arguement). Not that I really care about having a life that has great influence. I think it's more of congenital response. And now that I think of it as it being an emotional/mental uneasiness due to my biology and social constructs, it doesn't seem so awkward to hold certain ideas as more important. I've never actual set down principles and moral and goals to live by. Sure I have a few, but I'm often mutating them over time and circumstance under no real conditions. And I didn't really care to up to now, because I didn't see a point to. But as long as I'm stating that the human venture is worthwhile, I might as well categorize and define other abstract qualities of my life. This would be useful for assessing a given situation and in turn easier in making me more decisive, in particular with my relationships and success/failures. The only constraint I already follow and will continue to follow, is to not push any of my principles or morals on others and to put effort in understanding others before making judging them.

I hope I'm making some sense. A few conversations with a philosophy of science grad student, Alex, and reading about our lack for a concrete definition for time (really time? do you realize how much of our physical descriptions are based on some inherent but not clearly understood idea of time?) in Lee Smolin's The Trouble with Physics has gotten me interested at the philosophy of science and in turn has made me less intolerant of philosophy.

Oh man, the two days before were the most gruelling days apart from my migraine days (nothing beats shot-gun-to-the-face-migraine-days). I had almost a constant fever above 39 up to 40'C, which is probably the highest I've had since I was a twelve or since I last had pneumonia. I don't even know what i caught. but I still have this slight nausea, sour throat, and background headache even with the fever gone.

school starts, after 3months out, on my birthday. what a treat. kind of. i have two weeks to hand in all assignments and to cram a semester worth of material before exam period. the prospect is just the motivation a procrastinator like me can thrive on. lol. i am debating to still go to the combichrist concert, which i probably will. but maybe i won't go to the hello kitty MAC party. and see my brother this weekend instead of next weekend with a hangover. but it all depends on what i can sort out my study schedule for the rest of the term.

i heart biophysics so much. why am i having only four more classes of it this year? *tear*

there's so much wrong to undo in this world.

so it is always the case that when i have a lot going on in my life i tend not to update about. but i don't feel like recapping so, i'll just leave it at that. school may be back. i'm dreading it as there's so much material to cover in such a short time and i don't want to think about what my exam schedule's going to be like (two in one day most likely...). i hate to see the strike end with cupe losing all bargaining power, but i'm anxious to get my life on track. some interesting news is that i got to go see finkelstein in a talk which was very good. i think he's not as much of a hard liner as i thought, he's just very adament about using the same moral ruler against yourself before you do so on others.

i missed an appointment i had this week with my doctor. i thought it was today at 4pm but it was actually yesterday. i have an appointment next tuesday with a psychotherapist, and so i won't make an appointment to see my family doctor. so instead i'm gonna go attempt to analyse key problem areas in my life and use it to help in diagnosing.