Trying to move and study for a test is a little hectic. Though I have been procrastinating a bit... when have I haven't? I can't wait til Thursday when all of this is behind me and then I can look forward to going out on Saturday. I'm still debating if I want to go to the Darkrave (I love dancing at them), then decide to get smash there and party by myself til 3am, or save the money on cover & drinks while enjoying company at RvM. Is it a little strange that I kind of prefer option one? ...
Monday - Make dinner for later tonight, Buy a plastic container for fridge contents & strongbow from lcbo, Class from 1-3, Meet Alexzander, Help Ted move from 7-9pm.
Tuesday - Do last minute packing, Sister coming over at noon, Pick up truck at 3pm, Elevator booked from 5-7, Pizza and drinks! Study/Sleep.
Wednesday - Class from 1-3, Work 5-10pm
Thursday - Work from 10-4:30pm. Head over to Alexz?
Friday - Chill?
Saturday - 10-4:30pm, Go home, Go downtown.
I hope I don't have to work on Sunday til late. I wonder how I'm getting to work before the subway opens from the new place.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I'm going to stain this world!!! .... Emo-much Sandra.
I was a little pissed off from a comment by a supervisor at work. But now I'm just pissed off at myself for getting pissed off. I may have to work saturday from 8 - 3 instead of 10-3 as they our cutting our hours for next month and onwards. I'm debating how long I want to stay on. I can't really make a decision til the end of next month, so I'll see how it goes.
Anyways, I still fee a little like unleashing my wrath, so I'm gonna let that out with some Disturb and then mellow out with some Alexisonfire.
Anyways, I still fee a little like unleashing my wrath, so I'm gonna let that out with some Disturb and then mellow out with some Alexisonfire.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Dull Stuff - Planning ftw (for the week)
Monday: First day of my 1014 summer course. Goes from 1-3 every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Need to print out job application, resume and reference sheet before hand so should get to school around 11 to do that. Bring change of clothes. Go to sis' after class to baby sit.
Tuesday: Skip class, go to the Job Fair at the CNE, starts at 10am. Head to work around 2pm. Work is from 4-10pm. So no research tonight.
Wednesday: Classes, Study.
Thursday: Work 8-4pm.
Friday: Work 8-4pm. Probably head over to Ted's to help him pack if he's available.
Saturday: Work 10-3pm. Probably head over to Alexzander's.
Tuesday: Skip class, go to the Job Fair at the CNE, starts at 10am. Head to work around 2pm. Work is from 4-10pm. So no research tonight.
Wednesday: Classes, Study.
Thursday: Work 8-4pm.
Friday: Work 8-4pm. Probably head over to Ted's to help him pack if he's available.
Saturday: Work 10-3pm. Probably head over to Alexzander's.
Weekend of Awesomeness.
This was a pretty great week and ended on a high note. Though there were some kinks, I thoroughly had a good time.
Friday: Stayed over at Alexzander's Thursday night and was reviewing calculus during the day. I finally understand the First and Second Fundamental Principles of Calculus. I totally did not catch it the first time around during the course. I sort of bullshitted the end of 1013. Now, I'll have to practice integrating so I can get a better intuitive feel for it. Nevertheless happy I finally get it... sort of. Lol.
Then we went down to the Kool Haus to watch Dethklok. We got there around 8pm, an hour after the doors opened, but apparently we caught the end of Soylent Green playing and Chimera hadn't even played yet. So we didn't miss much, at least nothing important, ;). Ted was waiting for us at the door way.
Alexz and Ted really made my first official rock concert memorable. They watched out for me in the pit (which was fucken void of oxygen) and made me crowd surf. I had to take my glasses off and one of the lens still came out and I had to go fix it (missed Hatredcopter during it, aw), so I missed a bit of the show. Thus, I am not going to another concert like that without getting contacts first, save for the propagandhi show in July. I still got to see Brendon Small from far away, OMG - I heart. He looks so non-metal what with his short blond hair and ordinary outfit.
Dethklok played a rather short set, sadly. We left around 11 and had some food at the Golden Griddle up the street. I got to bed around 1:3oam.
Saturday: Had to wake up around 6:30 to get to work. I offered to work a little later as someone called in sick. Had an awesome surprise in the afternoon: Alexzander came and visited me at work, flower in hand. It was rather sweet. I was just happy to see him, though he kind of implied that he had gone to work, and so there I was working and feeling sorry for him when he got to sleep in. Lol.
This saturday was fet night, so we went to the Funhaus. It was rather dead when we got there. A little sad that Brittany and Abi couldn't make it out. Although I agreed with Alexz that the music kind of sucked, I still had some fun dancing. I got complimented by a guy who's hair I was admiring (as it remind me of robert smith), that was nice.
Sunday: SLEPT IN. Very happy about that. Had breakfast out with Alexz at 2pm. Har, har. Again our eggs were fucked up. How hard is it to get a breakfast order right? Obviously, a little.
Friday: Stayed over at Alexzander's Thursday night and was reviewing calculus during the day. I finally understand the First and Second Fundamental Principles of Calculus. I totally did not catch it the first time around during the course. I sort of bullshitted the end of 1013. Now, I'll have to practice integrating so I can get a better intuitive feel for it. Nevertheless happy I finally get it... sort of. Lol.
Then we went down to the Kool Haus to watch Dethklok. We got there around 8pm, an hour after the doors opened, but apparently we caught the end of Soylent Green playing and Chimera hadn't even played yet. So we didn't miss much, at least nothing important, ;). Ted was waiting for us at the door way.
Alexz and Ted really made my first official rock concert memorable. They watched out for me in the pit (which was fucken void of oxygen) and made me crowd surf. I had to take my glasses off and one of the lens still came out and I had to go fix it (missed Hatredcopter during it, aw), so I missed a bit of the show. Thus, I am not going to another concert like that without getting contacts first, save for the propagandhi show in July. I still got to see Brendon Small from far away, OMG - I heart. He looks so non-metal what with his short blond hair and ordinary outfit.
Dethklok played a rather short set, sadly. We left around 11 and had some food at the Golden Griddle up the street. I got to bed around 1:3oam.
Saturday: Had to wake up around 6:30 to get to work. I offered to work a little later as someone called in sick. Had an awesome surprise in the afternoon: Alexzander came and visited me at work, flower in hand. It was rather sweet. I was just happy to see him, though he kind of implied that he had gone to work, and so there I was working and feeling sorry for him when he got to sleep in. Lol.
This saturday was fet night, so we went to the Funhaus. It was rather dead when we got there. A little sad that Brittany and Abi couldn't make it out. Although I agreed with Alexz that the music kind of sucked, I still had some fun dancing. I got complimented by a guy who's hair I was admiring (as it remind me of robert smith), that was nice.
Sunday: SLEPT IN. Very happy about that. Had breakfast out with Alexz at 2pm. Har, har. Again our eggs were fucked up. How hard is it to get a breakfast order right? Obviously, a little.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Fathers... go fuck our mothers.
Today is father's day, and though I'm not into all these days designated for family members, I thought about my dad for a bit. (I rather treat my family to nice things on a regular basis because I want to than feel obligated to, one day of the year. Also just a means for people to spend money, consumer culture yada yada yada.)
And I've realized, right now, I hate him. Not hate in the way that I'm out to get him, ... well maybe a little. You know it's awful of me to think it but I relish no thought more than being at his death bed, not seeing him since I left the house, and saying to his face "I proved your retarded ass wrong. I didn't turn out to be a fuck up without your help. And I have less sympathy for you than I do a stranger."
Although I'm going all Baltar on this, I don't feel sorry for saying those things. At least understand the following before you condemn me. I tried everything to live up to his expectations while giving up a lot of shit for him and feeling like shit, while all I wanted in return was some room to grow and make mistakes. Ended up, the only way I could get that was to leave. I don't even want him to know what city I'm in or what school I go to, because the stress from being paranoid all the time of what he can do with that knowledge would fuck me up. Why am I so vehemently paranoid? Because my father is wholly unpredictable, stubborn, and has anger issues. Last time I talked to him was around a year ago, and he apologized to being a dick to me (all the time still 'advising' me what to do with my life even while i told him to stop), though not in those words, lol. Yet how can I accept it and feel un-threatened around him when he took back on his word with my sister on several occasions and threatened her life, or when he constantly told me while I was growing up to never ever think of coming back to him after leaving his household. You don't say those words with the conviction he did without meaning them or being prepared to eat them. So he probably won't see me or talk to me again for a fucken long while, because he clearly stated he doesn't want it. And he has said nothing to my mom to try and convince me otherwise.
There are weeks when I don't think about him and months where I might think about him in a good light.
************************************************
And you know what's worst, i can't get osap until i petition it because i'm still supposed to be dependent on my father's income. the fact that his presence can still influence my life by denying me funding if osap doesn't accept my petition makes me wanna puke.
And I've realized, right now, I hate him. Not hate in the way that I'm out to get him, ... well maybe a little. You know it's awful of me to think it but I relish no thought more than being at his death bed, not seeing him since I left the house, and saying to his face "I proved your retarded ass wrong. I didn't turn out to be a fuck up without your help. And I have less sympathy for you than I do a stranger."
Although I'm going all Baltar on this, I don't feel sorry for saying those things. At least understand the following before you condemn me. I tried everything to live up to his expectations while giving up a lot of shit for him and feeling like shit, while all I wanted in return was some room to grow and make mistakes. Ended up, the only way I could get that was to leave. I don't even want him to know what city I'm in or what school I go to, because the stress from being paranoid all the time of what he can do with that knowledge would fuck me up. Why am I so vehemently paranoid? Because my father is wholly unpredictable, stubborn, and has anger issues. Last time I talked to him was around a year ago, and he apologized to being a dick to me (all the time still 'advising' me what to do with my life even while i told him to stop), though not in those words, lol. Yet how can I accept it and feel un-threatened around him when he took back on his word with my sister on several occasions and threatened her life, or when he constantly told me while I was growing up to never ever think of coming back to him after leaving his household. You don't say those words with the conviction he did without meaning them or being prepared to eat them. So he probably won't see me or talk to me again for a fucken long while, because he clearly stated he doesn't want it. And he has said nothing to my mom to try and convince me otherwise.
There are weeks when I don't think about him and months where I might think about him in a good light.
************************************************
And you know what's worst, i can't get osap until i petition it because i'm still supposed to be dependent on my father's income. the fact that his presence can still influence my life by denying me funding if osap doesn't accept my petition makes me wanna puke.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Another week
Work Schedule for this week
Saturday 8-12:30, go pick up boxes and computer books, do the danforth or make breakfast burritos
Sunday 8-4
Monday 7:30 -4, super will check apartment
Wednesday: Babysit
Thursday 7:30 -4
Friday: Dethklok!!!
Saturday 8 - 5
**********************************
Propagandhi tickets are $18, and I have yet to find someone to join me. I'm still gonna go anyways, because I heart their music and what they say with their music. I still wish warsawpack was together so i can go see them again (they did a show at our school auditorium and I did not fully appreciated their musical glory til now).
Also, I am so pumped for dethklok. I think I shall listen to nothing but dethklok for the next week and do nothing without saying brutal/metal at least once. then i will be fully ready to enjoy brendon small on stage.
**********************************
I bought these pants the other day and they are a little too tight. Well, there are no change rooms on some shops on orfus :S. So it's hard to get the right size for pants. Anyways, this will be an impetus for me to loose those 10 pounds i've been meaning to loose for years. I would aim for 20 but that might be pushing it (but it would put me back to my grade 8 weight).
Also, I'm excited for the move. Excited to have a roommate to share food with and a room to officially turn into a uni-student deco. Oh and Battlestar is done in 2hrs. hurrah.
Saturday 8-12:30, go pick up boxes and computer books, do the danforth or make breakfast burritos
Sunday 8-4
Monday 7:30 -4, super will check apartment
Wednesday: Babysit
Thursday 7:30 -4
Friday: Dethklok!!!
Saturday 8 - 5
**********************************
Propagandhi tickets are $18, and I have yet to find someone to join me. I'm still gonna go anyways, because I heart their music and what they say with their music. I still wish warsawpack was together so i can go see them again (they did a show at our school auditorium and I did not fully appreciated their musical glory til now).
Also, I am so pumped for dethklok. I think I shall listen to nothing but dethklok for the next week and do nothing without saying brutal/metal at least once. then i will be fully ready to enjoy brendon small on stage.
**********************************
I bought these pants the other day and they are a little too tight. Well, there are no change rooms on some shops on orfus :S. So it's hard to get the right size for pants. Anyways, this will be an impetus for me to loose those 10 pounds i've been meaning to loose for years. I would aim for 20 but that might be pushing it (but it would put me back to my grade 8 weight).
Also, I'm excited for the move. Excited to have a roommate to share food with and a room to officially turn into a uni-student deco. Oh and Battlestar is done in 2hrs. hurrah.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The Good, the Bad, and the Propagandhi
First things first. I got an A in bio. I don't know how, but I did. Second thing, I lost my little card holder with $40 dollars and my visa and my debit card and my bus pass. I don't mind losing everything else other than the bus pass. God damn wasting two hundred dollars. Oh wells. But I got an A in bio and do NOT have to retake it again.
Third thing, had research tonight at the observatory. Unsuccessful, but is starting to get hang of the procedures and equipment. When I have time, I'm gonna make sure I make a well documented and easy-to-flip-through manual so that future research nights, I won't be completely lost. I also hope I can be junior treasurer for the astronomy club, because I would hate for it to die after Ted and the rest leave.
Also, job wise, the future seems uncertain, and I have to open up my options again. I would love to get the physics lab setup job, but would like to get a good paying full time that had evening shifts that I can keep through at least first semester and is relatively close to school. I'll see.
Also, Propagandhi has a show in Toronto on July 27th. There is no way I am missing them. I wonder who I can get to join me...
Third thing, had research tonight at the observatory. Unsuccessful, but is starting to get hang of the procedures and equipment. When I have time, I'm gonna make sure I make a well documented and easy-to-flip-through manual so that future research nights, I won't be completely lost. I also hope I can be junior treasurer for the astronomy club, because I would hate for it to die after Ted and the rest leave.
Also, job wise, the future seems uncertain, and I have to open up my options again. I would love to get the physics lab setup job, but would like to get a good paying full time that had evening shifts that I can keep through at least first semester and is relatively close to school. I'll see.
Also, Propagandhi has a show in Toronto on July 27th. There is no way I am missing them. I wonder who I can get to join me...
Monday, June 9, 2008
mmmm weaker...thans.... mmmmm
Weakerthans, wow. Their lyrics are the type of poetry I want to be able to write. And they set that to music... well???? Heart much. Also, the lead singer is from Propagandhi. And they have a song in reference to curling... Oh-Em-Gee. I think Sarah would like them. Below are some of the lines I really like from their songs rearranged. Enjoy.
**************************************
**************************************
Went absent cases down the stairs
Into the parking lot out back
A burst of moon
A blast of air
An understanding somewhere
…
We could walk to where these streets get pulled together
Blinking, lined with gravel, shoulder squared towards an end
Where the radio resounds from doppling traffic
Where the power lines steal lessons from the hourly news
Depluralize our casualties, drown the generals out in static
We turn and watch our city sprawl and send us signals in the glow
Of night windows
…
Know the things we need to say
We'd said already anyways
By parallelograms of light
On walls that we repainted white
…
After scrapping with the ferals and the tabby,
Let you brush my matted fur
How I'd knead into your chest while you were sleeping
Shallow breathing made me purr
…
But I can't remember the sound that you found for me
My confusion-cornered commuters are cursing the cold away
As December tries to dissemble the length of their working day
And they bite their mitts off to show me transfers, deposit change
and I can't stop finding your face in their faces, all rearranged
and angry like you never were.
...
"Why, why can't I draw right up to what I want to say?"
"Why can't I ever stop where I want to stay?"
I slide right through the day, I'm always throwing hack weight
…
The graphs in the board room show
by the time that the market opens in
I'll be worthless
…
Then idle in some parking lot, smoke half a smoke and ask
St. Boniface and St. Vital, preserve me from my past
Repair our potholes, prevent plant closures
and if they remember me at all, make them remember me
as more than a queer experiment, more than a diagram in their quarterly
Make them remember me
…
I'll listen to the south winds sigh with rumors and regrets
And I don't want to talk about it anymore
…
He looked more like our fathers
Not a goalie, player, athlete period
Smoke, half-ash, stuck in that permanent smirk.
…
We can wish on
The pop of a lightbulb
Or those photos
Lying yellow and curled
Loose in boxes
Near abandoned electronics
In the corners of the basements
Of the world
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Scheduling
For tomorrow:
- pay school
- order transcript
- call bio undergrad office and go pick up student course performance summary if ready
- fill out summer osap
- fill out student financial profile
- activate mc
- make rice and noodles
*********************************
This week's work schedule:
sun June 8 - off
mon - 3 to 10pm
tues - 10 to 5pm
wed - 1 to 8pm
thurs - off
fri - 4 to 10pm
sat - 8 to 12:30pm
looks like i'm not opening any day this week except for saturday right after closing friday. sux. might as well just camp at the store and not bother wasting 2hrs of my sleeping time commuting.
**********************************
- pay school
- order transcript
- call bio undergrad office and go pick up student course performance summary if ready
- fill out summer osap
- fill out student financial profile
- activate mc
- make rice and noodles
*********************************
This week's work schedule:
sun June 8 - off
mon - 3 to 10pm
tues - 10 to 5pm
wed - 1 to 8pm
thurs - off
fri - 4 to 10pm
sat - 8 to 12:30pm
looks like i'm not opening any day this week except for saturday right after closing friday. sux. might as well just camp at the store and not bother wasting 2hrs of my sleeping time commuting.
**********************************
Fun and Insufficiency
This was a pretty great weekend. I had way too much fun at the Dark Rave v.100 for the hour that I spent there. I danced for an 45minutes straight. I wished I could have stayed there a bit longer but then again it may have ruined the high. I really do love getting slightly intoxicated and dancing to the darkrave music. I met that older guy who gave me a bracelet at my first darkrave/club night that I went to with Abi on my birthday. He gave me another bracelet! I danced with him and tried to thank him. It was a tinsy bit awkward when he told me I looked nice (and was "sexy"? - lol) and kissed me on the cheek, but as long as he wasn't gonna try anything more, it was alright. Also, I hanged out at rvm at savage garden for a bit. Also, met Tynan from Sparticist League there which was a surprise, but good to see him in a non-political capacity. Yep, Brittany and Chris are good company and we had some fun. We shared some shots celebrating chris's 23 b-day. They invited me to join them for fet night this month, but I feel it's too much to get cracking on Calculus and work and seeing Alexzander, to go clubbing every weekend. I definitely am gonna try my hardest to make it to July's fet and panic because I like the themes and am trying to get all the people i know and *heart* to go and have fun; hopefully avoiding any calc tests/exams occuring at the same time to study for.
I've been sort of planning my reaction to Alexzander on the nature of our relationship. I was hesitant to make any first comments as I didn't know how I will feel as time passes by and didn't want to say something and take it back or say more. I very much like spending time with him, talking to him, and sharing his perspective. It's comfortable without loss of intensity for me. Whatever happens, I do hope we can stay friends as I do enjoy his personality and company immensely. Today he brought it up, and we decided we both weren't looking for a serious relationship. To be honest I wasn't expecting us to be seeing each other so soon. That night I made him dance close with me, I was just seeing how it felt, then to ask him for us to get to know each other better, and was gonna call it a night. Well it went a little more than that, which was a unexpected but a pleasant surprise.
Now I'm just a little concerned how I will feel once full time school starts for both of us. I will certainly have less time to spend and more stress than the summer. I hated feeling sometimes obligated to spend time with Dave, even though he said he was okay with me being at school, he just never rested my worries and I got a bit too drama queen about it. I don't feel that with Alexz now, but I wasn't so sure about the fall. So I told Alexzander if he wanted out to tell me as soon as he knew, and that rests my fears.
If I'm not sufficient enough even after trying within my boundaries, I can't help it; but you don't have to put up with me.
***********************************
I was feeling a little poetic and was reading some old journal entries from my notebooks I had. I couldn't believe how different now I feel from then. The entries were a little depressing to remember but REALLY made me happy about the decision of moving out of my parents place. Everything that I felt was regretful about this past year pales in comparison to how regretful I would have felt if I had stayed in my dad's household. I feel I'm in a much better place right now, it's a good experience to have and cherish.
I've been sort of planning my reaction to Alexzander on the nature of our relationship. I was hesitant to make any first comments as I didn't know how I will feel as time passes by and didn't want to say something and take it back or say more. I very much like spending time with him, talking to him, and sharing his perspective. It's comfortable without loss of intensity for me. Whatever happens, I do hope we can stay friends as I do enjoy his personality and company immensely. Today he brought it up, and we decided we both weren't looking for a serious relationship. To be honest I wasn't expecting us to be seeing each other so soon. That night I made him dance close with me, I was just seeing how it felt, then to ask him for us to get to know each other better, and was gonna call it a night. Well it went a little more than that, which was a unexpected but a pleasant surprise.
Now I'm just a little concerned how I will feel once full time school starts for both of us. I will certainly have less time to spend and more stress than the summer. I hated feeling sometimes obligated to spend time with Dave, even though he said he was okay with me being at school, he just never rested my worries and I got a bit too drama queen about it. I don't feel that with Alexz now, but I wasn't so sure about the fall. So I told Alexzander if he wanted out to tell me as soon as he knew, and that rests my fears.
If I'm not sufficient enough even after trying within my boundaries, I can't help it; but you don't have to put up with me.
***********************************
I was feeling a little poetic and was reading some old journal entries from my notebooks I had. I couldn't believe how different now I feel from then. The entries were a little depressing to remember but REALLY made me happy about the decision of moving out of my parents place. Everything that I felt was regretful about this past year pales in comparison to how regretful I would have felt if I had stayed in my dad's household. I feel I'm in a much better place right now, it's a good experience to have and cherish.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Blah to this meagre existence.
I'm feeling really mood swinging lately. Mainly from a recent email I got. I don't feel like I should be having fun and hanging out with people. I feel like retreating away. I'm afraid this internal conflict is gonna make me act like a jerk to friends.
But I don't want to give up some of the good stuff I have, and after all, I can't retreat very far if my roommate is Ted. He certainly won't let me do that. Lol. I guess I'll talk to him about it if he doesn't feel burden by my ranting my worries on him.
I don't know. I don't deserve this life.
But I don't want to give up some of the good stuff I have, and after all, I can't retreat very far if my roommate is Ted. He certainly won't let me do that. Lol. I guess I'll talk to him about it if he doesn't feel burden by my ranting my worries on him.
I don't know. I don't deserve this life.
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